insomnia

I couldn't sleep again last night. It was even more frustrating than usual. I haven't gotten a decent night's sleep in well over a month, and I have reached new heights of exhaustion that I didn't think were possible. But as annoying as my sleeplessness is, I've never really seen it as pathetic. Never until last night, that is.

 Just a few hours before my futile attempts at sleep, I was leaving the church building. It was freezing out, and I was so cold I hurt. Right as I got to my car, I saw a woman across the street from me. She was dragging a cart behind her. She looked as cold as I felt, dressed in a shabby looking coat.

My heart ached for her. But as I got into my car, I cried out to God, "now what?" It's one thing to feel compassion for the cold and the hungry, but it's another thing to know what to do with them when you meet them alone on the streets of Albany late at night. I had no idea what to say to her or how to start a conversation with her. I was terrified--not that she would do anything to me, just that I would mess it all up somehow. It's amazing how paralyzing fear can be.

I got into my car, uncertain what to do or how to help. I prayed and prayed but I had no real answer. I saw the woman go through a trash can, and I knew that I had to do something. So I rolled down the window of my car, took a deep breath, and called out, "can I help you?"

The woman looked up at me, startled. I tried again. "Is there anything I can do for you?"

She shook her head at me. Of course she shook her head at me. I was in a car, shouting at the poor woman from the middle of the road. I tried to park my car, but there was nowhere to park. So I tried again. "Do you need anything? Food? Or money? Or anything?" She shook her head again, but this time she looked at me with the biggest grin on her face. She smiled at me for a moment or two and then quietly walked on.

Should I have followed her? Probably. Should I have ditched the car in the middle of the street and wondered after her and tried harder? Probably. But I didn't. I watched her leave, and then I started to drive home.

I didn't make it very far. I was probably a block away before I broke down crying. I sobbed all the way home, certain I would never forget that woman's face or her smile. I had no idea what I should have done differently, I only knew that I should have done something differently. I cried thinking about how cold the night was, about how desperate she must have been to have resorted to searching through trash cans. I cried and I pleaded with God, longing to change, wishing I knew how to help or what to do.

And then I came home. I came home to my apartment, wrapped up in a couple of blankets, and turned up the heat. I settled down in my comfy chair, read for a little while, and then crawled into my warm, cozy bed. And hoped...and prayed...for three or four solid hours...that I would be able to fall asleep.

But I couldn't. And as I lay there, attempting to fall asleep, I suddenly remembered the woman I had seen. What was wrong with me that I had allowed myself to focus so entirely on my puny problems that I had forgotten her so quickly? I mean, seriously, what was wrong with me? I haven't been able to sleep in over a month. Why? Over a broken heart. With thousands of children dying all over the world and hundreds of people starving only miles away, I was losing sleep over a guy? I can't believe how self-centered I am or how backwards my priorities are. 

There are hungry, hurting people all over this world. Every day children starve to death. Every day people, young and old, die and go to hell. People I know are going to hell. And I lie awake at night thinking about my "problems."

There's  a line from a Les Mis song that says "our little lives don't count at all." In a way, it's true. We're supposed to seek first God's Kingdom, not worry about our own pathetic little problems. But the beauty is that while God deeply cares about His glory and His Kingdom, He also deeply cares about us. And while we go about seeking first God's Kingdom, He takes care of everything else. He works everything together for us, for our good. So we can be focused on His Kingdom, because God is taking care of the rest.